The roommate post

Whenever I'm in school, I'm living in a dormitary.

And in dorms, it's common for you to share a 'house' among people, or other students for that matter. Same goes to me, my living facilities is being shared among 4 people.

Initially when I freshly moved in (the first day), there was this one other kid in the house. This Vietnamese kid, but come nighttime, she would stay at her friend's place, and I'll be alone.

I know this because when I first stepped into the 'house' with my family, she was there with hers. My family being a tad bit social asked questions. So I know. She has a friend (senior) here, I assume she's living with her.

On my first night in this rural facility...I'm sure as hell that I'm not going to stay alone in this new environment. Luckily for me, I have a couple of Singaporean friends living on the same level.

Mind you, when I enter, the dorm is practically a ghost town because everyone is on summer vacation. (-.-)

So I spend a night at my friend's place, when deep inside I'm like damn you roommate. Haha who wouldn't, you have so much shit to do (unpack and clean) yet, you're scared to live there alone because it's new and strange, you've prepared yourself that yay you have a roommate, but when night comes she ain't there. So damn you girl.

This goes on, but comes the 2nd or 3rd day, I'm like screw this, I'm just going to live there alone. Because it's so tedious to carry my bedsheets and pillow to crash my friend's place. 

So, live by myself I did, for about 2 weeks or so? Until the short summer vacation starts, and there's 2 other roommates who came in and live with us.

My lonely days were horrid (food poisoning and being sickly), but other than that it's fine. It's not that scary as I thought it would be. 

Oh, during the span of my lonely days, the Vietnamese kid moved out, like seriously wtf.

I know this because her room became slate clean and her luggage ain't there anymore. -.- It's okay, I've been alone from the start and I don't even know her so whatever. Screw it.

Anyways,

The summer semester starts and I suddenly have a +2 new roommates! YAY!

They're Indonesians, and unlike my ex-roomy, they actually lived in the 'house'. So no more lonely days for me. Haha.

Although on some days towards the end of the summer vacation, I find myself alone in the room (what's with me and being alone man). But like I said, it's cool.

They came back. HAHA

They're nice and all, I'd like to say we got on pretty well because shortly after, I was invited to celebrate one of my roomy's birthday together with their clique. So I'm like wow thanks.

We did a planned birthday surprise for her during sahur, (it was Ramadhan for most part of the summer semester). That went well. 

I wasn't really awkward because they're nice. They speak in English to me (I don't know why), and Indonesian with one another (ain't awkward because I understand what they're talking about).

One of my roomy(the one who we held a surprise for) is really nice, she likes to engage in a conversation with me, so aww. Someone wnats to be my friend. ha

Here are some of the photos of the said birthday surprise.

I couldn't finish my slice of cake because there's lots of cream on it. And I have a strong dislike against creams. (FML)

I just can't bring myself to eat cream, like eww so disgusting.

Roommate 2 will come up soon enough.

Heat of the moment

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Okay, I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now. I don't know, how do I put this? Hmm...Recently, I feel so emo. Like seriously. This emo-ness is real.

New school with no friends, so I had to play the nice kid to hovers around people and acts like she's so absorbed with her phone because that's where her friends are. Hovering over people and asking people if they'd wanna have lunch or dinner with me. It's so lonely out here. And I dislike that feeling.

I dislike the feeling of having to ask nicely to someone whom you barely know if they'd like to hang out with me for bit just so that we could get dinner and have it together. Not that there's anything wrong with being nice. But I don't want to seem desperate.

And whenever I'd like to somewhere, I had to ask uber nicely again if that someone would like to accompany me or not, because I don't know the area well. And that...seems so desperate. Going like “Hey, are you free tomorrow afternoon?” “yeah why?” “I wanna go to Giant, will you accompany me?” “Okay we'll see”

And that someone is the same person. So, I don't wanna seem like I'm hogging that person for attention all day and err day. I don't want to be desperate, but I'm currently desperate for more friends. So I guess, the hovering and following will stay with me for a bit.

Like that does not make me less of a loser.

For 3 years, I don't really get too absorbed with my phone or social media. Because I had friends in Poly. But University, it's like a clean slate, a fresh start. No friends no nothing. I'm back to basics. Like urgh. And with University, there's no form class for you to forge friendship with. You gotta come and go to classes. So it makes the friend-game harder. And I'm no expert in attracting friends.

So I'm acting like I'm so absorbed into my phone, while in truth, I'm just scrolling through instagram, twitter, and facebook. Wait facebook? Yes, facebook. I've laid off facebook for like years now. But now, ever since the loneliness kicks in, I've reverted back to scrolling and POSTING and COMMENTING and LIKING on facebook. SERIOUSLY. My life has gotten THAT dull and lonely. Even social media can't save it.

And I also find myself replying to group chats at the speed of light, and the volume of the sea. I've been replying alot and faster ever since the loneliness kicks in. So I get upset and emo whenever people don't reply. Like seriously. Who the hell checks their phone or chat msg-es like once a week? Seriously? Is your life that busy? Like do you do work while you commute to and fro from work? Do you fully utilize the one hour break you have to eating? No time? Seriously? I don't get it. Or is school so busy? Maybe yes but still, you study while commuting to school? You study during breaks? You study all day and err day at home? Yeah seriously.

Sometimes, I feel like people are perpetually ignoring me like I'm a pest or something so insignificant to be given attention to. I don't get it, why is it so hard to just reply.

Maybe the reason why I don't get it is because my life isn't as exciting as theirs? Yeah probably. But I always see those popular kids are always with their phones. Popular kids are busy people, socializing and going out and whatnot. So, if they can reply to peopleSSSS, why can't anybody else? I seriously don't get it. Can someone enlightened me?

So yeah, maybe I am a little or a lot emo now. Emotional wreck I am. But still, I can't expect people to reply or like me when I'm not likeable or they don't really like me in the first place yeah?

I was talking to what-seem-like-a-friend-who-equally-shares-my-depression-and-loneliness-but-i-cant-say-it-for-sure about this loneliness. But she said “at least you have your group (say Group A)”

I'm like yeah...but there's more or less to it.

Within the group or any group for that matter, people have inner cliques or 'partner' or someone x someone kinda thing.

It's the same with the group I'm in. So I always find myself being the only one left within the group.

It's so obvious who or what the pairings are.

And it's idk...heartbreaking to know that they're talking with each other beyond the group (say group A) . Not like I'm so controlling or what, but they'd be in contact on a daily basis but they don't or rarely or never reply the group chat.

Like for instance; I was suppose to go out with another group (say group X), the members in group X are not members of group A, the group I'm always being associated with. So the members in group X are not members of Group A except for one. So within group X, there's 2 members of group A.

So a day before the outing of group X, someone from group A called me and ask if I could pass soemthing to me so that I could pass it to someone because I'll be heading there anyways. And she said that she knows that i'll be going out so might as well pass it to me. I'm like “how did you know..”(but i didn't say it out to her like duh.) The answer is so obvious. The other person told her. Seriously. For one, she rarely replies the group chat so that's wtf. And two, they go out with other often so yeah, that figures. And 3, oh wow now you have the initiative to call me (when you cant even type ) when you need me to do soemthing. Oppotunistic people aye.

--------------------------------------

So this weekend, i'm supposed to go out with Group A. And I really don't feel excited about it. Because people are not replying me. And I feel like I'm talking to myself in a group chat. Of course I aired it out. And they'd be telling me that I am being hostile and emo and people are busy the whole week and people express their excitement differently and im just being super emo and a prick. Well yes, you guys don't reply. I don't know what I'm going to make out of this post. There's no point to it really.

Now, I don't even know if I want to go out with them this weekend or not. I'm feeling so bitter right now.  

Car ride

With em' pretty girls.

Round and round we go.

/end of picture dump

MUFE Adventure.

For a countless number of times, I've helped out at MUFE by lending my face to their students to practice their makeup skills on. In return, I get make up vouchers. Not bad of a deal I'd say, I get quality makeup at a cheaper rate, their product ain't cheap out there and I'm an addict for makeup but I don't like using low-end products despite being a peasant.

Once, I helped them out at their relatively new academy. To my surprise, there was only one student during that time. It's good for the student but awkward for me. But it was good, their teacher is a sweetheart so I don't mind. Normally, there'd be more than 3 students per batch. Small class, always have been.

Okay, their new academy is in town, their no longer premise used for teaching (still in use but as a shop), was also in town. But this time, it's on the skirts of town rather than being in the centre of town, so it's a bit harder for us to find food for lunch.

That being a one-on-one class is good because the future make up artist would talk to me (or maybe she's the only who's really nice), so we talked a lot with or without the teacher. And she asked for out for lunch, dont get me wrong, but most of the time when I'm helping, I'd be having lunch by myself (loner by default), so I was really thrilled.

She bought me to lunch at a cosy cafe right beside the academy. And then it struck me that...I need to draw out money, because....we're eating in a quiant place in town, it ought to cost more than 10 dollars. I had 20, and I'm the type who prefers to have spare cash even after spending it on neccessaties. I'm torn, but I'm like to hell with it, and just go in the shop with her.

Ordered a grilled/smoked salmon sandwich, (because it's a cafe, and it didn't bear any sign of y'know, it being halal otr not, there's lots of angmoh's so yeah guess not, and mind you, I'm working on this aspect of mine). So, going for fish is safest and salmon is the only fish in the menu, and salmon being salmon, it's a wee bit expensive. So damn. But I ordered anyways.

The dish came, with some chips and salad on the side, and oh my god, that's the nicest combi I've ever tried. And the nicest salad at that, they sprinkled sunflower seeds on the salad, brilliant, tastes so good.

So we talked a lot over lunch as well (didn't know I had this in me, but I guess its the company I'm in, with clicked and most didn't ha). She's an adult like super adult, with kids and stuffs, so I'm surprised as well.

Our meal ended and we asked for the bill.

Normally, I'd be fumbling for my wallet and fumbling with my money. Fumbled for a bit till I get the amount right. She didn't, she whipped out a fifty and settled both of our bills, and says that it's on her. Like omg how cool is that.

From that day on, I wish and envisioned myself to be like that once I become a super adult.

God, I find inspiration in the weirdest of situation.

 Anyways, the drink I ordered is super nice too.

After that i went straight to school, because I'm supposed to be involved in TP's orientation. so lul. Forgive my priorities. Vanity first.

 The make up for that day.

 Love the lipstick.

 And ostrish eye lash. She 's rich I'd tell you, she used the REAL MUFE fake eyelashes. Most people just buy an off-brand lash and would take it and use it on others. (they cleaned it first of course).  But not her, so omg. And those MUFE eyelashes don't come cheap.

Thanks, to her, I have 2 MUFE eyelashes fitted for my eyes. haha

 Went to school straight because I'm super late.
Late I am.

So I joined HSSFO and learnt how to ride a pennyboard.

 Step.

I'd love to have one....another thing to put in my wants list then.

Ha.

A realtime update (PART 2)

Moving on, with a new enviroment, there's a need for me to adjust and adapt to that new situation yeah?

Yes, but my body didn't get that note. Here's how:

During the week of school, there's an international students orientation week (thank god that it's only the international students, i swear I'm not prepared to mingle and make friends with Malaysians just yet, I dont know why) Okay so, on the last day of the orientation week, there's a day where its called 'KL tour', where they'll bring us around KL to see some tourist spots or whatnot. I swear I was looking forward to it because I don't go to KL often and I don't know much about the tourist spot, and most importantly I've paid RM5 for a museum tour.

On the night of this KL tour, something poisoned me, and I had a series of rushing to the toilet to take a dump and bouts of nausea and hardcore vomitting. It was a horror I swear. I swear to God it's one of the worst things to experience when you're alone in your room (at this point, I've yet to have any roommate #foreveralone). And on top of that, I've never gotten food poisoning before, so I was really scared, like what the hell is happening man. Why am I pooping water and puking things outta my body.

I was feelikng like shit the very next morning, I thought I should just go, because of my RM5, but the random and frequent episodes of diarrhea made me go against it. Luckily for me, it was a Saturday and the clinic is still open. And thankfully, I've a friend who has a tummy ache as well, so we went to the clinic together.

On the bright side, I didn't know medical facilitues here are for free. So yay. The doctor gave me some med and packets of salt, for me to mix it with water and drink it because I'm as dehydrates as a date at this point. But those packets of salt taste like shit. I can't bear to drink it, it was disgusting, despite the orange flavour. Took all of my other meds, and I was getting better (as compared to the night before).

The puking and occasional pooping still persist though, much to my annoyance. I went back to Singapore during the weekends, and during my way back, at the Malaysian immigration, I felt the primal urge to puke. I was panicking because I don't have any plastics at hands. Thank god for other Singaporeans (aunties to be exact), I asked them for a plastic plus a nauseating face (they always have plastics, dont they). The aunty quicky rummaged her bag for one. And true enough, I puked a teeny bit soon after. Eww I know. And the guy at the counter goes on to be a jerk and ask me questions on my visa, like bitch, can we not do this now? I feel like slapping him with my plastic of vile looking puke. Trust me, I would.

Got home safety and feeling less like a turd. The next day, I went to a proper clinic. Oh I forgot to mentioned that this comes with an annoying stomach cramps. I'm not the one who gets stomach cramps during menses or nearing-menses, so it was torture. URGH.

So first week of University ended pretty badly with me falling severely sick.

And being sick doesn't stop there.

Around the 5^th week, I developed a sore throat, that sore throat soon evolved into a coughing fit. DRY ANNOYING COUGHING FIT. That lasted for a week and entering its 2^nd week now.

And again, I went to the doctor in Singapore to get my meds. I'm in the midst of recuperating so....I hope I get well soon. And God, I'm having a head-splitting headache since morning.

Dear body, I hope you adjust to this primal state of living.

A realtime update. (PART 1)

I'm currently in University, super early as compared to my other mates, here's why and what has been happening to me ever since.

I've graduated from Temasek Polytechnic on the 30^th of May 2014. And 11 days later, on the 10^th of June, I'd have to enrol for my undergraduate study. Didn't become a student immediately like others of my international cohort because I didn't bring the relevant documents needed for the registration.

My fault, mom was really pissed at me for it. Reasons because (it's really stupid): I didn't believe the enrolment guide on the things to bring. Apparently, we were supposed to bring all of our original copies of our academic certificates, and I'm like: why in the world would you need that? You've accepted me as your student and I'm left to enrol for your university. So I packed a few photocopied certificates.

So yeah, can't register, thank God there's a Singaporean association and another kid who has forgetten (legit) to bring his original document, thank God I'm not alone in this. We were given 2 days to get those documents over to the University. So my family and his family planned it out. In 2 days time, we're officially students.

Mind you, on the day of the registration, we brought all of my stuffs, luggage and boxes. So my mom was pissed cause she thought I had to go back to Singapore and can't register, so we came here for naught (I thought so too, and was like shit, I'm screwed but I didn't show it, else I'm more screwed. Felt like crying cause I messed up real bad this time, but I just went like...GG liao).

Thankfully, the University allowed us to check into our hostel/dormitory (Thank you God). That's a relief ain't in. Haha. My abode....isn't exactly the way I pictured it to be, I pictured it to be totally run down, like seriously, even though I'm in KL, it's still in Malaysia. And the location of my University isn't really in the city centre, it's somewhere atop mountains and some secluded forest surrounding it. So one might expect a rundown abode, but nope. My abode is pretty....good.

There's two spectrum to my expectations, one is really bad. And the other is really good, like seriously high class or something. Because truth be told, i wasn't really looking forward to studying here, mom did. I'm the type who listens to their moms. Like I'm fine with it if my mom is fine with it (yes).

I wanted to go to the UK, so naturally, and I already did applied for some and got accepted in. But my mom totally rejected the idea, she didn't even bother looking at the prospectus that came into the mail. Like seriously, Uk has got to be really welcoming, having bothered to send an international mail to prospecting students. Isn't it expensive? And so is the fees to teh school.

So I did loads of research on the Univeristy that i got accepted to in the UK, and man their dormitory is so cool. They have their own personal pantry for every room/shared room. Over here, no personal pantry, its fine. But there's no communal pantry even, and that's an inconvenience. Like seriously. In most Universities (around the world), the least they could provide is a communal pantry shared amongs 5-8 rooms with 3-4 students, THE LEAST. But nope. In our shared abode, there's none of that sort, you can't even bring your own portable stove or cooking equipment along (fire hazard they said) but whatever. It's inconvenient to go down to have your breakfast. And it's really inconvenient (for me anyways) to go out from my room just to wash my mug or wash my hands (a tendency that I have).

Nonetheless, my dorm is pretty good apart from having to climb 4 flight of stairs to reach my room. On the contrary, people have always mentioned about how small their dorm room is, how cramped it is and space-saving things/methods are a life saver. My room is pretty spacious I guess, or maybe I have yet to horde stuff into my room. Not yet maybe. One thing I've yet to hrode on is....clothes. Seriously, ever since University starts, I have a shortage of inner wear whenever I go back to Singapore during the weekends. And also, whenever I wanna go out, I can't sit and ponder which combination looks best, which clothes to pick, because....there's not much choices to choose from.

On top of that, I can't really wear the clothes I wore during polytechnic, because I might get compound(fined, seriously) for it. The University I'm in is an Islamic University so i can't really wear most of the clothes I wear in Poly. Funny because I've always thought I'm conservative in my poly days, but my mom said no, just no. Whatever clothes you wore in Singapore, no just no. So....my choices are really limited. During the first day of school, I swear I looked like a hobo. Like seriously, I look like a hobo every single day because in the name of modesty and Univeristy dress code, I'm wearing clothes that I don't really wear. It's unfashionable. Fashion police, please fine me. Fashion terrorist I admit.

I hope i get used to this. Some people said that i looked really young, I could only laugh and reply “It's because of my clothes isn't, I look like a loser in this” and they said “oh no” and I replied “ yeah really, everyone looks like shit (didn't use this word actually) during their freshmen year”

Seriously, from my observation, MOST PEOPLE LOOKS LIEK SHIT DURING THEIR FRESHMEN YEAR.

They'd be wearing unfashionable clothing in that year, but their fashion sense progresses upwards throughout the years in Uni.

So, you can count on me. I'm totally looking forward to that progression.

OSU!

earlier this year

 I partake in a Muslim-event conducted by NUS called 'the hunger games',
partly because, school's over (TP) and there's nothing much to do.
So why not I go out and meet new people and do things.

The event was great, although there are MANY areas for improvement.
Well...I wouldn't say I enjoyed the event heaps and loads.

It was fun, just fun.

Because there was dragon boat (more like mass kayaking), I pictured dragon boat as regatta-style boat (like how it's done yearly by TP during FO) but nope, its a big kayak where 10 people are being fitted in with short oars.

Anyways, 'kayaking' was fun, and interesting and physically draining.
I was bummed half-way because I scraped my thumb against the oar and boat and it bleed, and it hurts, and I don't feel like rowing anymore. So what the hell. I swear I'm not dead everytime.

The people....

So, in our group, aside from the friends I know, there were a few strangers who became our group members.
They're cool, and too enthu.
Not that there's any problem with being enthusiastic.

But apparently, I do.

From previous experiences, I've came to dislike overly enthusiastic people. Like dude, we need time to ice-break, let's play an ice-breaking game or to before delving straight into making a cheer (or more like practicing the cheer you've enthusiastically created beforehand).

From my previous experience, these overly enthusiastic people would make me sin by going 'hey guys! c'mon!" during a race or whatnot when everyone's tired. Don't they read the atmosphere? I sin because in return, I let out a string of curses under my breathe at them

I feel bad, because one of our friends told the two facilitators that me and my friends are a friendly and rowdy bunch. And they were initailly worried on how to clique with us. haha.

But on that day, we were like.......an antisocial, dead bunch. I feel so sorry them. I swear we're not like that all the time.

For me, there are some kind of people whom I just can't clique with? I don't know. People are trying to be friendly by being super innovative and active but I sorta like reject them because they make me feel awkward and make it super hard for me to get used to them and make me feel ...less oblidge to talk to them and be chill and fun with them.

Like for example:

Enthusiastic person: Lets do intro!
me: okay
Enthusiastic person: Cool! what's your name and where are you from?
me: *awkward intro's*
Enthusiastic person: That's cool!  How about you?!?!
next person: *awkward intro's*
Enthusiastic person: Great! We're gunna win this game yeah!!??!?!
me: errr....yeah! *awkward*
Enthusiastic person: OH OH OH GUYS HAVE YOU GUYS THOUGHT ABOUT A CHEER FOR OUR GROUP!??!?!?
me: err nope.
Enthusiastic person: LET'S THINK OF SOMETHING!...............

/now, let me applaud you/


Like for example:
Enthusiastic person: hey! let's make a cheer!!!
me: okay
Enthusiastic person: what's your idea!?!?!
me: hmmm...anything's fine
Enthusiastic person: actually i've planned this at home....so how about *insert a complete cheer* !?!??!?!
me: errrr...okay *puts off*




Once, I tried to suggest a cheer. in english. But they didn't accept it, so I didn't bother to suggest any anymore. Enthusiastic people.

Oh f.y.i, all of the cheers are in Malay, not that I'm not used to it, but it felt weird, feels so secondary school, so nostalgic, so ......i'm sorry.....so lame.
Don't get me wrong, I love irsyad's cheer.
Because they used informal malay.
This group used formal malay in a cheer. So that's....weird.




Anyways, a few months has past, and we're not in contact anymore. So yeah.
No hard feelings.

Pointless blog.
Whatever.

I don't know and changes.

I don't know why, but recently I feel like there's a lot of people who hates me? Like they're starting to turn against me in words.

For example; in a particular chat group, there would be one or two or three or whatever number of people who would reply me in sarcasm and upmost rudeness when I did nothing particularly mean, i was just asking a question or giving a reply and then there's a bunch of people who would react in a hostile way to me.

Taken aback I am. I mean, dude, if I ever did any wrong to you, I'm sorry. But, that doesn't warrant you to a permit to attack me every fucking time I post something. Yeah, you sound really witty and spontaneous, that's why I'm upset. Like, I don't really mind people intentionally ignore me whenever I post something and when other people post something, suddenly, the whole chat group is active. Fuck, I am so insignificant like that. But really. No replies is better than getting sudden and frequent rude attack from people whom I don't really remember having any feuds with.

I don't really hang out with them, so maybe they talk shit when I'm not around and getting at me in hordes in chat group is a way for them to get back at me? I don't know, because, whenever I meet them in real life, everything seems fine, like I could interact with them in casual terms.

One point for them though, it really made me feel inferior and you on the other hand, seemed like the superior one. Whatever nonexistent battle you're fighting, I think you're doing really dude.

Just, don't let karma find you and punch you back squarely in the guts, bitch.

Anyways, I read this really interesting article on Nat Geo, (because I'm weird and awful and peculiar like that, but hey Nat Geo is super informative and interesting) and I feel really motivated or inspired to say at least by it.

It's an article on Bangladesh and how they're so adapted to adapting to sudden change. Drastic sudden change. 

Here's some link:

text only

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/print/2011/05/bangladesh/belt-text

text and photos

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/05/bangladesh/bendiksen-photography

Steam boat

One of my wishes to be able to make/cook/prepare a really good steamboat, I've always seen really good, salivating-worthy steamboats on the telly or people's feed. Although, most of which are Chinese/Korean/Japanese style (equates to non-halal, pork present hot water party).

So yeah, I really would liek re-create those yummy dishes, I mean, the Chinese always has this yearly steamboat fest with their family or friends. I've tried doing some on my own and with my friends, but damn, we're nowhere near nor close to the original Chinese standards, ours still look yummy or nice, but presentation wise and after a few minutes of cooking....it just....don't look nice. Disorganized even.

 I think a key factor to such unpassable steam boat is because we don't do this often enough, despite researching on how to make it as authentic or lively as possible before attempting a steam boat.

I also guess it's because, it's not in our culture to hold such a banquet.

 What's a Malay style feats? Hmm, I don't know. Main dish plus side dish and rice and more rice? I don't know. My family don't go for feast. We eat modestly. (right)

 I picture steamboat to have lots of meat or seafood, like those being portrayed in the media, well the 'boat' is boiling hot and you would just swoosh your sliced meat in it to cook it and its done. And you put things in and take it out shortly after.

 And I believe the authentic steam boat don't really have lots of processed seafood in it aye?
We're still students, so...we can't afford much.

ONE DAY.

 Is it passable enough?

Not yet.

I don't think so

 Anyways, we had fun while at it, so I guess that's the only thing that matters.

 I arranged those meat and fish slices.
Maybe I am too hardcore in being ideal.

But meh.

Honestly, I don't like it if there's too much processed seafood.
I guess I am more of a raw fish and raw meat kinda person.

Although...by going raw...it will inevitably incur more cost.

I can't...

Recently, I have been feeling really down and lonely, despite just getting back from a holiday. This feeling revolves around the need to feel wanted or needed by friends? I'm just feeling lonely. Even though I do have a circle of friends whom I keep in touch a lot of times with, but in every group there's an inner group, usually in pairs and that's where a isolation comes in.

We don't hang out very much as a group, so the group members would hang out with one or two person from the same group daily/most of the time. And those hanging out, don't really have me in the picture. Well, some people have known each other for a long time so it is a given that they would hang out together, just the two of them without the feeling of needing to ask others along.

My mind is in a mess right now, I have so much to say yet I am so unorganized.

I mean, everyone has a bestfriend or a really close friend for them to confide each other with, no matter what event or time, these two individual would have each other to share their deepest secrets or problems that might seem weird or uncomfortable to share with the bigger circle. Because they've known each other way before they join the larger group. To me, everyone has this special someone, or someone who has this special and deep friendship together....everyone except for me. I thought I had one, but I was so naive to believe in it.

Sometimes, I think whether if it's me who is the problem. Like, am I that bad of a listener or a friend to the extent that people don't really ask me out to hang out with them? I don't hang out pretty much, let aside big group events, where the group really plans an event or outing. I mean, I don't have any friends for me to like hang out spontaneously, like if the person is feeling down today, he/she would call me up to chill or to talk. No I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone, god, I'm so sad of a person.

People say that we're close, but they would not share their latest worries or happiness together. I'm not talking about those day-to-day or superficial news but those really intimate or personal life changing things? Am I making sense? Like, you can have a bunch of people as friends where you share your day or share about what made you mad today or what makes you really happy today. But within that bunch of friends, you could have that one person where you would personally hang out with most of the time without the larger group knowing to share about more deeper stuffs, like idk, family? relationships? or whatever. I don't know, cause I don't have that kind of relationship. I mean, it's not wrong for them to have that kind of relationship, that is why I'm envious of them and always end up feeling empty inside.

I have always be the one to ask people out and rarely the other way round. This really made me think, am I that bad of a person? Am I mean? I know I can be sarcastic, is that the problem? Which part in me makes people feel appalled to be really good friends/close friends with? I think I would probably live my whole live without having any best friend/close friend, and live a life in isolation and superficial deep relationship.

Really, people might see me as one who has quite a number of friends, true, but none are skin deep. Superficial yeah. I just want someone who keep me in the know. Now, we'd be talking with each other (in a group) when someone said (example) yeah, yesterday she said that/she's right beside me laughing. And I'll be like, oh I didn't know you guys hung out the other day. or Oh you're with her right now? And man, that hurts cause I'd feel outcasted. I mean, Singapore ain't that big of a place to hang out together.

Or probably I'm so controlling of a person that people might feel suffocated to be around me. The other day, I saw two of my friends in public together, not that it's wrong. But I felt awkward despite us being 'quite close', I felt awkward because I didn't know they're meeting each other today. Did I miss something in the group chat? Nope. I did the most unassuming thing and to avoid them whilst feeling envious and sad.

I hate it, I hate myself for not being able to make meaningful friendship, don't get me wrong, I do have a couple of meaningful friendship which I don't want to lose. But I just dislike the fact that I don't have that special someone to have a super mutual, almost telekinetic relationship with.

So, this post had just penned down how much of a loner and a sad joke I am at life.

Thank you.

I am reminded of this everytime I see my friends.
Another scenario would be, when having a group outing, they'd be talking and again, Oh I didn't know you guys met up with other that often. or Oh really, I didn't know that happened. And sometimes, within a group you feel a tiny bit more awkward with someone, maybe it's not just you but the other individual as well because they're much closer to someone else within the group, so the communication is not really the same with you as compared to when they're communication with whoever they're close with. So they sound or act differently around you. I dislike that actually, because it really make me feel not 'in'.

Like I have the position to comment on people's behaviour when there might be something wrong with my behaviour. Who's the loner. Who's the one with no super close friend? Look who's talking. I should just suck it up, and just be there and absorb those awkward feeling and just go with the flow and butt in/or make my presense known.

Urgh.

Unfinished, but I just can't continue anymore. I can't continue to pen down how sad my personal life is. The reality hurts. And karma's a bitch.

Hanging out with an apple.

  I'm not sure how or what to feel about posting seriously unglam/ugly photos of me on my blog with minimal retouch, but i'm pretty ugly in the first place. So nah, won't give much to that 2nd thought.
                                      
 These are some of the peeps that I enjoy hanging out with veyr much, this isn't full strength but if it is, it's gunna be awesome.

So we were chilling at Khairunisa's crib when Liyana was playing an apple plushie, and I joined in the fun and played with it too. Only that I took it too seriously and had to pose to for a group photo with it on my head.

My friends are prolly used to my ecentricness so they don't really mind, and understand my weird antics.

So after the day has passed and everyone's chilling at their own homes when Liyana whatsapp us this photo below
vvvvv

Apparently, that very apply on my head was with me during secondary school. Nostalgic? Coincidence? I think not

Haha

Is it me or I look pale and terribly malnourished during my secondary school day?
No wonder people keep saying I'm anorexic, it's annoying, but i'm not anorexic.

Plus, skinny is in.
You're totally losing out in something if you think being skinny = bad.
Well actually, there's two sides to the argument, different culture has different preferences. So I guess it's all up to the individual on their personal preferences.

Thing is, I love my body despite people dissing on it (I secretly think that they're jealous, but that's just me, who knows)