Okay, I'm feeling a little bit
overwhelmed right now. I don't know, how do I put this?
Hmm...Recently, I feel so emo. Like seriously. This emo-ness is real.
New school with no friends, so I had to
play the nice kid to hovers around people and acts like she's so
absorbed with her phone because that's where her friends are.
Hovering over people and asking people if they'd wanna have lunch or
dinner with me. It's so lonely out here. And I dislike that feeling.
I dislike the feeling of having to ask
nicely to someone whom you barely know if they'd like to hang out
with me for bit just so that we could get dinner and have it
together. Not that there's anything wrong with being nice. But I
don't want to seem desperate.
And whenever I'd like to somewhere, I
had to ask uber nicely again if that someone would like to accompany
me or not, because I don't know the area well. And that...seems so
desperate. Going like “Hey, are you free tomorrow afternoon?”
“yeah why?” “I wanna go to Giant, will you accompany me?”
“Okay we'll see”
And that someone is the same person.
So, I don't wanna seem like I'm hogging that person for attention all
day and err day. I don't want to be desperate, but I'm currently
desperate for more friends. So I guess, the hovering and following
will stay with me for a bit.
Like that does not make me less of a
loser.
For 3 years, I don't really get too
absorbed with my phone or social media. Because I had friends in
Poly. But University, it's like a clean slate, a fresh start. No
friends no nothing. I'm back to basics. Like urgh. And with
University, there's no form class for you to forge friendship with.
You gotta come and go to classes. So it makes the friend-game harder.
And I'm no expert in attracting friends.
So I'm acting like I'm so absorbed into
my phone, while in truth, I'm just scrolling through instagram,
twitter, and facebook. Wait facebook? Yes, facebook. I've laid off
facebook for like years now. But now, ever since the loneliness kicks
in, I've reverted back to scrolling and POSTING and COMMENTING and
LIKING on facebook. SERIOUSLY. My life has gotten THAT dull and
lonely. Even social media can't save it.
And I also find myself replying to
group chats at the speed of light, and the volume of the sea. I've
been replying alot and faster ever since the loneliness kicks in. So
I get upset and emo whenever people don't reply. Like seriously. Who
the hell checks their phone or chat msg-es like once a week?
Seriously? Is your life that busy? Like do you do work while you
commute to and fro from work? Do you fully utilize the one hour break
you have to eating? No time? Seriously? I don't get it. Or is school
so busy? Maybe yes but still, you study while commuting to school?
You study during breaks? You study all day and err day at home? Yeah
seriously.
Sometimes, I feel like people are
perpetually ignoring me like I'm a pest or something so insignificant
to be given attention to. I don't get it, why is it so hard to just
reply.
Maybe the reason why I don't get it is
because my life isn't as exciting as theirs? Yeah probably. But I
always see those popular kids are always with their phones. Popular
kids are busy people, socializing and going out and whatnot. So, if
they can reply to peopleSSSS, why can't anybody else? I seriously
don't get it. Can someone enlightened me?
So yeah, maybe I am a little or a lot
emo now. Emotional wreck I am. But still, I can't expect people to
reply or like me when I'm not likeable or they don't really like me
in the first place yeah?
I was talking to
what-seem-like-a-friend-who-equally-shares-my-depression-and-loneliness-but-i-cant-say-it-for-sure
about this loneliness. But she said “at least you have your group
(say Group A)”
I'm like yeah...but there's more or
less to it.
Within the group or any group for that
matter, people have inner cliques or 'partner' or someone x someone
kinda thing.
It's the same with the group I'm in. So
I always find myself being the only one left within the group.
It's so obvious who or what the
pairings are.
And it's idk...heartbreaking to know
that they're talking with each other beyond the group (say group A) .
Not like I'm so controlling or what, but they'd be in contact on a
daily basis but they don't or rarely or never reply the group chat.
Like for instance; I was suppose to go
out with another group (say group X), the members in group X are not
members of group A, the group I'm always being associated with. So
the members in group X are not members of Group A except for one. So
within group X, there's 2 members of group A.
So a day before the outing of group X,
someone from group A called me and ask if I could pass soemthing to
me so that I could pass it to someone because I'll be heading there
anyways. And she said that she knows that i'll be going out so might
as well pass it to me. I'm like “how did you know..”(but i didn't
say it out to her like duh.) The answer is so obvious. The other
person told her. Seriously. For one, she rarely replies the group
chat so that's wtf. And two, they go out with other often so yeah,
that figures. And 3, oh wow now you have the initiative to call me
(when you cant even type ) when you need me to do soemthing.
Oppotunistic people aye.
--------------------------------------
So this weekend, i'm supposed to go out
with Group A. And I really don't feel excited about it. Because
people are not replying me. And I feel like I'm talking to myself in
a group chat. Of course I aired it out. And they'd be telling me that
I am being hostile and emo and people are busy the whole week and
people express their excitement differently and im just being super
emo and a prick. Well yes, you guys don't reply. I don't know what
I'm going to make out of this post. There's no point to it really.
Now, I don't even know if I want to go
out with them this weekend or not. I'm feeling so bitter right now.
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