I can't...

Recently, I have been feeling really down and lonely, despite just getting back from a holiday. This feeling revolves around the need to feel wanted or needed by friends? I'm just feeling lonely. Even though I do have a circle of friends whom I keep in touch a lot of times with, but in every group there's an inner group, usually in pairs and that's where a isolation comes in.

We don't hang out very much as a group, so the group members would hang out with one or two person from the same group daily/most of the time. And those hanging out, don't really have me in the picture. Well, some people have known each other for a long time so it is a given that they would hang out together, just the two of them without the feeling of needing to ask others along.

My mind is in a mess right now, I have so much to say yet I am so unorganized.

I mean, everyone has a bestfriend or a really close friend for them to confide each other with, no matter what event or time, these two individual would have each other to share their deepest secrets or problems that might seem weird or uncomfortable to share with the bigger circle. Because they've known each other way before they join the larger group. To me, everyone has this special someone, or someone who has this special and deep friendship together....everyone except for me. I thought I had one, but I was so naive to believe in it.

Sometimes, I think whether if it's me who is the problem. Like, am I that bad of a listener or a friend to the extent that people don't really ask me out to hang out with them? I don't hang out pretty much, let aside big group events, where the group really plans an event or outing. I mean, I don't have any friends for me to like hang out spontaneously, like if the person is feeling down today, he/she would call me up to chill or to talk. No I don't have that kind of relationship with anyone, god, I'm so sad of a person.

People say that we're close, but they would not share their latest worries or happiness together. I'm not talking about those day-to-day or superficial news but those really intimate or personal life changing things? Am I making sense? Like, you can have a bunch of people as friends where you share your day or share about what made you mad today or what makes you really happy today. But within that bunch of friends, you could have that one person where you would personally hang out with most of the time without the larger group knowing to share about more deeper stuffs, like idk, family? relationships? or whatever. I don't know, cause I don't have that kind of relationship. I mean, it's not wrong for them to have that kind of relationship, that is why I'm envious of them and always end up feeling empty inside.

I have always be the one to ask people out and rarely the other way round. This really made me think, am I that bad of a person? Am I mean? I know I can be sarcastic, is that the problem? Which part in me makes people feel appalled to be really good friends/close friends with? I think I would probably live my whole live without having any best friend/close friend, and live a life in isolation and superficial deep relationship.

Really, people might see me as one who has quite a number of friends, true, but none are skin deep. Superficial yeah. I just want someone who keep me in the know. Now, we'd be talking with each other (in a group) when someone said (example) yeah, yesterday she said that/she's right beside me laughing. And I'll be like, oh I didn't know you guys hung out the other day. or Oh you're with her right now? And man, that hurts cause I'd feel outcasted. I mean, Singapore ain't that big of a place to hang out together.

Or probably I'm so controlling of a person that people might feel suffocated to be around me. The other day, I saw two of my friends in public together, not that it's wrong. But I felt awkward despite us being 'quite close', I felt awkward because I didn't know they're meeting each other today. Did I miss something in the group chat? Nope. I did the most unassuming thing and to avoid them whilst feeling envious and sad.

I hate it, I hate myself for not being able to make meaningful friendship, don't get me wrong, I do have a couple of meaningful friendship which I don't want to lose. But I just dislike the fact that I don't have that special someone to have a super mutual, almost telekinetic relationship with.

So, this post had just penned down how much of a loner and a sad joke I am at life.

Thank you.

I am reminded of this everytime I see my friends.
Another scenario would be, when having a group outing, they'd be talking and again, Oh I didn't know you guys met up with other that often. or Oh really, I didn't know that happened. And sometimes, within a group you feel a tiny bit more awkward with someone, maybe it's not just you but the other individual as well because they're much closer to someone else within the group, so the communication is not really the same with you as compared to when they're communication with whoever they're close with. So they sound or act differently around you. I dislike that actually, because it really make me feel not 'in'.

Like I have the position to comment on people's behaviour when there might be something wrong with my behaviour. Who's the loner. Who's the one with no super close friend? Look who's talking. I should just suck it up, and just be there and absorb those awkward feeling and just go with the flow and butt in/or make my presense known.

Urgh.

Unfinished, but I just can't continue anymore. I can't continue to pen down how sad my personal life is. The reality hurts. And karma's a bitch.